Not a Perfect Fit by Jane A. Schmidt - Book Tour + Giveaway
Not A Perfect Fit
by
Jane A. Schmidt
Jane A. Schmidt
Genre:
Heartwarming Humorous Short Stories
Heartwarming Humorous Short Stories
Not a Perfect Fit is a collection of stories that are laugh-out-loud
funny one minute and thought-provoking the next. Stories range from
Schmidt’s experience living off-grid as the only English woman in
an Amish neighborhood to family trips that are remarkably similar to
National Lampoon’s Vacation. Through it all, she manages to rise
above the many challenges she faces—inspiring and entertaining her
audience along the way. Filled with animal antics, gratitude,
mishaps, and madcap adventures, Not a Perfect Fit’s tell-all,
single-girl-gone-country, down-home stories give readers permission
to laugh and cry—and, most important, to carry on.
funny one minute and thought-provoking the next. Stories range from
Schmidt’s experience living off-grid as the only English woman in
an Amish neighborhood to family trips that are remarkably similar to
National Lampoon’s Vacation. Through it all, she manages to rise
above the many challenges she faces—inspiring and entertaining her
audience along the way. Filled with animal antics, gratitude,
mishaps, and madcap adventures, Not a Perfect Fit’s tell-all,
single-girl-gone-country, down-home stories give readers permission
to laugh and cry—and, most important, to carry on.
Dating
in a small rural area can be a challenge. Most of the men I meet are happily
married or happily single. That doesn’t leave much opportunity for the single
woman.
When I moved here, alone and very
much single, I was ready to follow in the footsteps of one of my few heroes,
Henry David Thoreau. I wasn’t really thinking about finding a partner. And yet
the fact of my singleness was never too far from my thoughts. (Honestly, I
think I was more interested in finding someone who would do the daily cleaning,
organizing, cooking, and such, as I’ve always loved the work that I do to make
a living.)
From the very beginning, all the
kind people I have met here have taken an interest in my single status and have
tried, usually without success, to set me up with their brothers, widowed
friends, and in one case their father. And I thought it was all rather
endearing . . . sort of.
My very first blind date turned out,
thankfully, not to be blind at all. He was a gorgeous local farmer, and we hit
it off right away. Imagine my surprise when, on our very first date, after
three hours of nonstop talking and walking, I ventured the question, “So how
long have you been divorced?”
“Well, I reckon a week now,” he
replied.
I just about passed out right there
in his cornfield. Really?! I mean,
personally, I think that’s a little bit too soon for dating, and I wasn’t
interested in being rebound material—although my dad did always tell me,
“Janie, you bounce well!”
My next real blind date just about
had heart failure, along with a major adult breakdown, when I casually
suggested a ping-pong date at my neighbors’ home.
“Ping-Pong!” he exclaimed.
“Ping-pong?!” he practically shouted over the phone as I sat breathlessly,
wondering why the drama. He went on quickly and loudly to say that he was not
interested in playing some competitive game with me on our first date, and why
would I even think that would be acceptable to him?
Needless to say, no first date.
I love ping-pong. My family had a
table in our basement, and it was a never-ending source of family fun,
togetherness, and laughter. I would not let Mr. Poopy Pants ruin that memory
for me. Surely there must be single men out there who love a friendly game of
ping-pong. So onward I bravely marched.
Sometimes, when we least expect it,
miracles happen, and so it was for me. I was invited to a friend’s party, and
it was a wonderful mix of people—some of them strangers, and some my newfound
friends. We played a challenging game of croquet, dined on a smorgasbord of
healthy organic foods, and ended up sitting around the campfire with various
instruments in one big, happy sing-along. And I met a man—a single man.
Good-looking, kind, gentle. We talked long into the night by the fire as the
embers cooled, and when I left, we exchanged phone numbers. I had recently
moved into what I used to refer to as the “White House”—a small, plain house
without any frills—and had gotten my first telephone since moving to the area.
I left the party feeling good and, yes, with a bit of blushing-bride
anticipation.
He called two weeks later, and we
decided on dinner cooked over a campfire in my new backyard as our first date.
I waited eagerly all week and kept adding dry logs to the fire pit in order to
ensure a blazing fire when the big night came.
That evening I went to my neighbors’
house and borrowed their shower (still no running water at the White House),
used their mirror, and tried hard to remember how not to poke myself in the eye
as I applied a touch of mascara. My neighbors kindly gave me a thumbs-up on my
way out the door. I drove the 3.7 miles of curving single-lane road home in two
minutes flat and waited . . . and waited. . . and waited.
One hour later than our appointed
time, there were lights, followed by a car door closing, and then a curious
click, click, click on the wood slabs I used as a walkway. I answered the light
knock on the door and there, dressed to the nines in full drag, was my date!
Not only was his makeup better than
my rushed mascara job, he looked disconcertingly like a slutty version of my
best friend, Janet. Without hesitation, I pulled him inside lest the neighbors
drive by, being careful not to catch his stiletto heels in the slab wood and
make him topple over in his tightly padded corset.
“You may get a run in your fishnet
stockings by the campfire,” I managed to say.
This was the end of my blind date
streak for a while.
JANE A. SCHMIDT is a columnist and the owner of two businesses, Fitness
Choices and Turtle Adventures. When not teaching her fitness classes
or encouraging women to get outside, she spends her time backpacking
in places like the Grand Canyon, Superior Hiking Trail, and Isle
Royale National Park; biking across Wisconsin; hiking and kayaking in
the Kickapoo Valley Reserve; or just hanging out with her animal
family in rural Viola, Wisconsin.
Choices and Turtle Adventures. When not teaching her fitness classes
or encouraging women to get outside, she spends her time backpacking
in places like the Grand Canyon, Superior Hiking Trail, and Isle
Royale National Park; biking across Wisconsin; hiking and kayaking in
the Kickapoo Valley Reserve; or just hanging out with her animal
family in rural Viola, Wisconsin.
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