Motherhood, Martyrdom, and Costco Runs by Whitney Dineen - Book Tour + Giveaway
Parenting/Humor/Memoir
Date Published: May 15, 2017
Publisher: 33 Partners Publishing
Join bestselling romantic comedy author, Whitney Dineen, as she discovers the three Es of parenting:
· Exhilarating—when you first discover you’re pregnant.
· Exhausting—when you realize you’ll most likely never sleep again--like EVER.
· Explosive—OMG these kids spew from both ends!
And that’s just the beginning. Whitney shares the ridiculous highs and excruciating lows of her catapult into motherhood. Enjoy the ride as this new mom vows to give up profanity while falling in love with… you guessed it, Costco. Be careful, because if you’re anything like Whitney, you may just pee a little.
Motherhood Martyrdom & Costco Runs takes the reader on a roller coaster of emotions as Whitney plummets into postpartum depression, desperately tries to get her kids to stop yodeling in public restrooms, and comes to terms with the fact she’ll never quite be queen of her own kingdom. Get ready to laugh, cry, cheer, and pat yourself on the back for the sake of mommies everywhere. And while you’re at it, stop by Costco for a case of toilet paper and a Very Berry Sundae. You won’t regret it!
Excerpt
Calling
a Spade a Spade
I grew up in a household
where girl parts were called vaginas, boy
parts were called
penises and pooping was called a bowel
movement. My parents
believed in calling a spade a spade. There
was no mystical voodoo
surrounding these perfectly natural parts
of life.
Imagine my surprise when
I met and married my husband, only
to learn these ordinary
words were taboo to him. In his puritanical
Victorian thinking, girl
parts were girl parts, boy parts were boy
parts, and pooping was
ding ding. No, I’m not kidding.
When we had children, I
was unyielding that our daughters
learn the proper terms
for both body parts and functions. He was
equally adamant they
hear some watered-down version of the
truth. After much heated
discussion, I finally agreed to let him
have his way, but only
while the girls were very young. As
questions arose and
curiosity developed, I vowed to arm them
with the correct
scientific words. A sort of truce was called.
During the potty-training
years, Margery came up with her
own terminology. She
pottied out of her front door and pooped
out of her back door.
This jargon stuck in our household. I
recently had a
discussion with both girls where I introduced the
correct terms for their
female bits. Both were pretty nonchalant
about the whole thing.
They didn’t have any questions so we
seamlessly moved on to
watching a show on the mating rituals
of seahorses.
I hope to always be open
and honest with my children, even
if they venture into
uncomfortable territory. From my
recollection, seventh
grade seemed to be the age I hit my mom
with all kinds of
forthright queries. For instance at the lunch
table, the boys began
throwing around the word, “dildo,” like it
was the best word they’d
ever heard.
When I got home from
school one day, I asked my mom
what a dildo was.
Without a blink, raised eyebrow, or demand
to know where I’d heard
such a filthy word, she seamlessly
responded, “A dildo is a
fake penis, honey.”
Wow, awkward. I dropped
the subject right then and there.
While I wanted to know
more, like, what in the heck do you do
with a fake penis? Who
thought up such a crazy idea? And where
in the world would you
buy something like this? It felt like a
change of subject was
the best course of action.
Not too long afterwards,
I asked her about the word douche.
It seemed when the boys
weren’t calling each other dildos, they
were busy referring to
each other as douches. My mom’s
explanation that a
douche was a female hygiene product, did very
little to enlighten me
on the reason this term was being bandied
about so often and
apparently, incorrectly.
A couple months later, I
inquired what it felt like to have an
orgasm. My mom thought
for a minute before responding, “It’s
like having an itch and
getting it good and scratched.” Needless
to say, I scratched my
arm bloody that year and just didn’t get
what the big deal was.
I hope I can be as cool
and informative as my mom was. I
mean, no one wants to
talk to their children about this stuff, but
what an honor if your
kids are comfortable enough with you to
ask you anything.
Margery and Hope’s
cousin, Nikki, introduced them to the
word “wiener” last
summer. OMG, they took to it with such
wild abandon I had to
threaten them daily with, “If I hear the
word wiener
one more time, I’m going to take away sweets for
the entire summer! NO
MORE WIENERS!”
Then the son of one of
my friends lost his swimming trunks
at the pool. This was
the girls’ first sight of a boy’s business and
a slew of conversation
ensued. Margery demanded to know why
that “little bit of
stuff” on the front of a boy was called a wiener.
She insisted on knowing
where the term came from. I did my
best to explain.
I’m not looking forward
to all the uncomfortable dialogue
ahead, but I darn well
plan on having it. After all, nothing can
be as bad as the summer
of the wiener.
About the Author
While attending the University of Illinois in Chicago, Whitney Dineen was discovered by a local modeling agent and began an unexpected career as a plus-size Ford model. She modeled in New York City before moving to Los Angeles with her husband.
During “The Hollywood Years,” Whitney was bitten by the writing bug and started creating characters that are inspired by strong women with a great sense of humor. Her first romantic comedy, She Sins at Midnight, won a silver medal in the 2015 Reader’s Favorite awards. Her second, The Reinvention of Mimi Finnegan, is a finalist in the 2016 RONE Awards, won a silver medal at the 2016 Reader’s Favorite Awards and won Honorable Mention at the London Book Festival. Her third chick-lit book, Mimi Plus Two, is causing all kinds of controversy and who the heck knows where it will land. Although, it was a finalist in the Reader’s Favorite Awards and a Runner-Up at the London Book Festival.
In addition to her love of chick-lit, Whitney has also written a series of adventure books for middle readers. The first two books in her series, Wilhelmina and the Willamette Wig Factory and Who the Heck is Harvey Stingle? are both available now. Book three, Beware of the Basement, is due to be released in the spring of 2017.
Whitney and her husband, Jimmy, have relocated to the beautiful Pacific Northwest to raise their children, chickens, and organic vegetables.
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