Diary of an Adorable Fat Girl: The Complete, Full-length Novel

Mary Brown is funny, gorgeous and bonkers. She's also about six stone overweight. When she realises she can't cross her legs, has trouble bending over to tie her shoelaces without wheezing like an elderly chain-smoker, and discovers that even her hands and feet look fat, it's time to take action. But what action? She's tried every diet under the sun.
This is the hysterical story of what happens when Mary joins 'Fat Club' where she meets a cast of funny characters and one particular man who catches her eye.
The story is laugh-out-loud funny and will resonate with anyone who has dieted, tried to keep up with any sort of exercise programme or spent 10 minutes in a changing room trying to extricate herself from a way too-small garment that she ambitiously tried on and is now completely stuck in.

Bernice Bloom is the big, new name in comedy writing...this is the first full-length novel after her series of laugh-out-loud mini books.
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This is from near the beginning of the book, when Mary Brown, our overweight heroine, has gone along to ‘Fat Club’ to lose weight. She meets a lovely man called Ted (his thighs are bigger than hers…she’s delighted!!) He asks her why she’s come to Fat Club…

“So, why did you come here?” he asked.

“Because I realised I couldn’t cross my legs properly,” I replied, and I watched his eyebrows rise and a look of confusion spread across his face. “That sounds very silly, but it’s the truth. When I realised I couldn’t cross my legs, I knew that I wasn’t just a few pounds over fighting weight but seriously, undeniably and horribly fat. It wasn’t a pleasant realisation.”

There had been plenty of other unpleasant developments over the years, as I’d piled on the pounds. Lots of moments when I was driven to consuming nothing but shakes for a week or proteins for a fortnight, or eating a lemon every morning – wincing and gagging as the bitterness swamped my mouth. Lots of times when I’d not be able to look in the mirror in the changing room because the sight of myself struggling into a pair of size 20 trousers, when all the evidence was that a ‘22’ would be ambitious, was too much to bear. Every fat girl has cried in a changing room.

But the leg crossing thing was different. The fact that I couldn’t sit in a comfortable position made me feel like I was deformed in some way - or to put it a different way: I had deformed myself in some way. I’d shoved so much food into my mouth that I was unable to function normally - I couldn’t sit down properly - who would do that to herself? I was young, fit, healthy and moderately attractive. I had all the advantages that life could throw at me, but I’d put so much food into my mouth that I was unable to walk any distance without panting like an elderly, chain-smoking marathon runner, and now I couldn’t sit down properly either. What was I supposed to do - lie down all day? No - I know what you’re thinking - what I was supposed to do was get out there and lose some weight.

And I have tried. My God, I’ve tried. I tried to exercise more, but my thighs rubbed together when I walked leaving me so bloody sore and tender that only the application of a bag of frozen peas would calm the redness. No-one tells you these things when they’re serving you cakes, do they?

Why don’t they tell you that a simple walk anywhere will give you such chaffing that it will feel as if someone had taken to your inner thighs with a cheese grater? And that’s the trouble with getting fat. The very act of being fat presents, in itself, a whole host of side-effects which make losing the fat wildly difficult.

Let’s look at the evidence:

‘Walk more.’
I can’t: my ankles get sore and my thighs rub together like sandpaper.

‘Join a gym,’
Oh yeah, right. Join a gym and wobble around for two minutes on the treadmill before collapsing in an indecorous heap? You need to be fit to join a gym - everyone knows that.

‘Go swimming’
Are you insane? Really - are you? I couldn’t wear a swimming costume in public in the interests of public decency. Christ.

Before too long, the only exercise available to me will be rolling.

Eating less would have been one way of solving the problem, but that didn’t work. I don’t say that flippantly - everyone who has an eating disorder knows that they can’t eat less like they can’t breathe less or shiver less when cold… you have no control over it. Or - you think you have no control over it - which is exactly the same thing.

I went to talk to my GP on the off-chance that he would have a miracle cure tucked up his sleeve.

“I need to lose weight,” I told him.

It turned out he agreed wholeheartedly. He even measured me and weighed me and yes, confirmed that - indeed – I did need to lose weight. Quite a lot of weight, as it happens. But had no exciting pills to give me that would help. “Eat less; exercise more,” he said. Thanks doc. really revolutionary advice.

“You OK?” asked Ted.

“Yes,” I said. “Just thinking - it’s all really weird this, isn’t it? I mean - thinking about why we are here? Trying to articulate it beyond saying ‘because I want to lose weight’.”

“My dear, it’s because we are so dreadfully, dreadfully fat,” he replied in a funny voice that made me laugh quite a lot.

“Well, yes - there certainly is that,” I replied.

uthor Bio –
Hello, my name is Bernice Bloom and I am a writer (I write light-hearted rom-com style novels and also work as a magazine journalist and advertising copywriter) and jewellery designer. My recent series of novels is called ‘Adorable Fat Girl’ and it features a heavily overweight woman called Mary Brown. She is bright, funny, friendly and bonkers. She’s also fat. The books blend the comedy of her efforts to lose weight with a more serious backstory about what happened to her in the past that had led to the issues that make her prone to over-eating. I’m fascinated that there are so few overweight heroines in literature. Women can be manipulative, evil, even murderers in fiction, but not fat! Certainly not fat and beautiful with loads of friends! Then along came Mary and she’s developed quite a fan base of people who love the fact that the heroine is large. She gets lots of letters and I have ended up taking her on lots of adventures!

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