Rideshares, Wrecks, and Sex: Confessions of a Convicted Uber Driver by Joe F.N. Schmo - Book Tour + Giveaway
Rideshares, Wrecks, and Sex:
Confessions of a Convicted Uber Driver
by Joe F. N. Schmo
Genre:
Comedic Adventure
Comedic Adventure
An Uber driver is expected to be courteous and attentive, both to their
passengers and to those on the road. They are not expected to accept
an invitation to a swinger party, flee the scene of a fatal accident,
nor are they expected to be a convicted felon on probation.
passengers and to those on the road. They are not expected to accept
an invitation to a swinger party, flee the scene of a fatal accident,
nor are they expected to be a convicted felon on probation.
Unfortunately, this Joe Schmo is not your everyday Uber driver.
As most Uber drivers do, Joe began sharing rides with the audacious hope
to one day escape the legal and financial road blocks stalling his
merger onto the freeway of creative success. But when a typical shift
U-turns into a series of detours involving Android ordered lovers,
herpes ridden riders, sexy sorority sisters, a botched bachelor
party, and blundering bank robbers, he arrives (at gunpoint) miles
from his desired destination.
to one day escape the legal and financial road blocks stalling his
merger onto the freeway of creative success. But when a typical shift
U-turns into a series of detours involving Android ordered lovers,
herpes ridden riders, sexy sorority sisters, a botched bachelor
party, and blundering bank robbers, he arrives (at gunpoint) miles
from his desired destination.
"Rideshares, Wrecks, and Sex: Confessions of a Convicted Uber Driver" is a
narrative nonfiction based upon actual events that transpired over
the year Joe covertly drove for Uber while on intensive probation. He
confesses outlandish details in a highlight reel of wrecks (both car
and train) and sex, effectively answering the question every Uber
rider has begged to know from their driver: "What's your craziest story?"
narrative nonfiction based upon actual events that transpired over
the year Joe covertly drove for Uber while on intensive probation. He
confesses outlandish details in a highlight reel of wrecks (both car
and train) and sex, effectively answering the question every Uber
rider has begged to know from their driver: "What's your craziest story?"
“What
the fuck are you doing, numb nuts?” The
robber pistol-whips my headrest
to
kidnap my attention before thrusting the barrel into my chest. A stink of
desperation
and maple syrup wafts from his mouth when he shouts, “Drive the
fucking
car, now!”
It’s
at a time like this that I wish I were a superhero. Not so I can have
superhuman strength,
unmatched
speed, or a stretchy cock, but so I can harness the power of hindsight. That’s
right,
hindsight.
This
individualized ability would be similar to, but not exactly like, predicting
the future. You
remember
the convoluted superpower Isaac Mendez displayed in Heroes? He had to black out in order
to
produce ambiguous artwork of an underage cheerleader. Creepy, I know. However,
if his paintings
could,
in fact, foretell future fate, he could
sketch a fake and
manipulate Donald Trump into believing
he’ll
win another presidential election, then sell said paintings to him at market
value ⎯ a
cool
billion.
But hindsight is not like that; my superpower would be more practical than
Isaac’s.
Instead
of predicting the future, hindsight would trigger a red light when I approach
morally
ambiguous
crossroads at which a certain direction could lead me to mental, spiritual, or
bodily harm.
At
every consequential juncture a visual GPS would activate, allowing me to
witness the destination of
every
road traveled, thus giving me an opportunity to choose the path that would
prevent me from
ever
using the adage, “hindsight is 20/20.”
Just
imagine something that might happen in an episode of South Park or a campy Nick
Cage
flick.
Unfortunately,
I am not a superhero. Nor am I Nick Cage. I am an everyday Joe f’n Schmo who
has
a billion (and one) regrets that have led me to this moment where I am
screaming “fucking
hind⎯”
“Hey,
Uber driver, get to the chopper, asshole!”
Braking
from my heroic lament, I slam the transmission into gear and tear out of the
bank
parking
lot with three masked men and what appears to be a cool billion, wishing to
hell I could
recalculate
this current detour, where it will inevitably lead, and return to the
beginning.
It
all started yesterday when I turned on my Uber phone…
Joe F. N. Schmo, a 30-something latent child prodigy, is on a quest to
obtain free Rockstar for life and plans to use it to obtain his Ph.D
in Upsetting the Status Quo. Once earned, he hopes to use his written
works as a vehicle to turn underinformed perceptions on their thick
skulls (among other abhorrently selfish goals).
obtain free Rockstar for life and plans to use it to obtain his Ph.D
in Upsetting the Status Quo. Once earned, he hopes to use his written
works as a vehicle to turn underinformed perceptions on their thick
skulls (among other abhorrently selfish goals).
After completing over 1,000 rideshares for Uber while on intensive
probation, Joe has encountered it all (save for alien abductions and
spontaneous combustion) and is über qualified to write a
confessional with such a titilating title.
probation, Joe has encountered it all (save for alien abductions and
spontaneous combustion) and is über qualified to write a
confessional with such a titilating title.
Prior to his salacious adventures, Joe earned his B.A. in Film and Media
Production where he wrote, produced, directed, and edited several
short films. This experience sculpted him into the kind of asshole
who quotes from random films and includes obscure pop culture
references into his written works.
Production where he wrote, produced, directed, and edited several
short films. This experience sculpted him into the kind of asshole
who quotes from random films and includes obscure pop culture
references into his written works.
Joe's masterpiece, "Rideshares, Wrecks, and Sex: Confessions of a
Convicted Uber Driver" is a culmination of his of film
background, sharing rides with Uber, and myriad adverse experiences.
It was NOT written to please those stiff, literary types, but to
appeal to the haughty neophytes who attest e-books are superior to
the printed page.
Convicted Uber Driver" is a culmination of his of film
background, sharing rides with Uber, and myriad adverse experiences.
It was NOT written to please those stiff, literary types, but to
appeal to the haughty neophytes who attest e-books are superior to
the printed page.
Currently, Joe is working on his encore, "Jackpot," which, much like
"Rideshares, Wrecks, and Sex, was written with the intention to
be adapted into a feature film (as it is his narcissistic goal to
direct his own film adaptations).
"Rideshares, Wrecks, and Sex, was written with the intention to
be adapted into a feature film (as it is his narcissistic goal to
direct his own film adaptations).
Follow the tour HERE for exclusive excerpts, guest posts and a giveaway!
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