Friday, December 4, 2020

An Accidental Royal Kidnap by Paul Mathews - Book Tour

Genre: Comedy Fiction / British Humour

An Accidental Royal Kidnap

 Paul Mathews @QuiteFunnyGuy @lovebooksgroup #lovebookstours 


When London schoolteacher George Nearly wakes up one Sunday morning to find a dishevelled young woman sprawled on his living-room rug, claiming to be a princess, his plans for a peaceful day at home recovering from his 39th birthday party disappear faster than a French monarch’s head during a revolution. And when the feisty royal accuses George of kidnapping her, his very ordinary life is turned completely upside down, as the party princess takes root in his apartment, causes royal waves among his friends and family, and demands to go walkabout on the streets of London. It’s blue-blooded British comedy by unofficial royal appointment in this hilarious, and often surreal, regal romp that’s guaranteed to raise a laugh from Balmoral to Buckingham Palace!


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To stimulate those parts of my brain that have yet to fully comprehend my situation – which is most of them – I imagine I’m dictating an email to you for onward transmission to my closest confidantes:

‘Subject: Your Advice Needed. First paragraph. Dear so-and-so. I hope you are well. I am writing with regards to the female royal I have discovered this morning on my prized rug and am seeking advice from those who may have more of a clue than I do about what procedures I should be following in these particular circumstances. New paragraph. Has this sort of thing ever happened to you? Think very carefully before answering. If you're reading this after waking up, please check all your rugs before responding. If you don’t own a rug, imagine you do and inspect the general area where you might place it.’

The woman shifts her position and groans softly before returning to her silent sprawling. Reassured that she isn’t about to vomit all over my floor’s pride and joy, I continue with my dictation.

‘New paragraph. Cast your mind back to all those bleary-eyed days when you arose from a post-party stupor and stumbled around your home as if navigating an indoor assault course. Did you ever climb over any royal obstacles on your way to the bathroom, dodge one of the Queen's cousins as you hunted for the ibuprofen, or have to leap over a prostrate princess to avoid crashing into the hideous IKEA coffee table your mother bought you but you’re too frightened to donate to a charity shop in case she never speaks to you again? If so, please respond and provide details. New line. Yours sincerely, George.’

I inhale deeply, as if I’ve accomplished a great task. My subsequent lack of brain activity suggests I haven’t. Maybe I’m addressing the wrong audience. Yes. I should be asking you for advice.

So, what do you think? What should I do? And what shouldn’t I do?

Author Bio

Author Bio: Paul Mathews is a quite funny guy who ditched the London rat race to follow his dream of becoming a comedy novelist and never again having to be told what to do by anyone who isn't a blood relative. His sharp, satirical - often surreal - sense of humour was honed after twenty glorious years in the UK Civil Service: long-lunching, cracking jokes & trying his best to look busy. He gains inspiration from his love of pubs, good food, Earl Grey tea, four-legged animals & the quirks and quibbles of British life.

Twitter Handle: @QuiteFunnyGuy


Instagram Handle: paulmathewsauthor


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