I have been coming to the island of Bermuda since I was a little girl. As a family, we went nearly every summer. My sisters and I looked forward to this as our end of school trip, but unfortunately, we stopped coming once my parents got divorced when I was eighteen years old.

I went back to visit Bermuda again as an adult, and it was a bittersweet experience. I went twice with Evan when we were married. We flew there once when I was pregnant with Brayden and then another time for our ten year anniversary. Both times, I enjoyed seeing how the island had changed since I was a little girl, and I liked showing Evan all of my favorite beaches and attractions. I was filled with an incredible amount of nostalgia and sadness though, and I immediately felt the need to replace what was lost and what once existed with brand new memories. I wanted to recreate what I had as a little girl and try to do it again, but better.

That was over ten years ago, back when I was still quite reliant on alcohol. So much has changed since then. And I have learned a great deal about myself and my past since those trips to the island.

We have often talked about going back to Bermuda with all three kids, but we have not been able to do so. We had a trip planned and flights booked during August of 2020, but the island was closed to all tourists due to Covid. So, we canceled our trip.

I believe, since I was not yet sober, that was the island’s way of telling me it wasn’t ready to have me back. Maybe the island wanted me to be sober before I could return to it. I stopped drinking only a few months later. I have done a lot of growing in the last few years, so perhaps, it is time for me to return. I hope we all can find somewhere that holds as much beauty and as many happy memories as that island does for me. Even the difficult echoes of my past show me all that I have learned and what not to take for granted in the future.